Nine Ways To Cope With Loneliness After The Death Of A Loved One
At various times, loneliness is the scourge of everyone from the young, old, incarcerated and homeless to children, shut-ins, and to the rich and the poor. No one is immune from its grasp. It occurs because of a host of conditions: abandonment, death, divorce, alcoholism, geographical relocation, no communication (living together loneliness), and the lack of human contact, to name a few.
Loneliness also manifests in various forms: cognitive (no one with similar intellectual interests and values to interact with), behavioral (no one to go places and do things with), and emotional (one believes he/she is unloved, all alone, and without emotional support). Sometimes, mourners suffer from all three.
Here are nine ways to confront your loneliness, and most importantly, change your perception of it.
1. Build your inner life. Most of the experts on loneliness agree that the basis for managing it begins with self-development—strengthening your inner life, recognizing your importance, and loving yourself. Specifically, make improvements on your ability to spend time with yourself, then with others. Become aware of and make your self-talk more positive.
Start by changing your belief that loneliness is something that happens from the outside, to: it is essentially something we do to ourselves. The bottom line is: we can reduce our sense of loneliness since we created it. Look for new interests and build on old ones.
2. Acknowledge loneliness and discuss it with others. Like any other problem, get it out in the open. Talk to others who have had to deal with it. Model someone living alone who copes well. Look for help from your church, school, social center, and friends. Read. Go for it. Start your anti-loneliness program with a major commitment: “I am taking action.”
3. Work at reducing social isolation. Loneliness becomes a major stressor because of a lack of human interaction. Start finding ways to meet others. Join a bowling league, square dance club, book or Bible club, or become a library or hospital aid. Start going to brown bag lectures, women’s centers and athletic clubs or take a course on a subject you like. Go to various interest groups. Volunteer. Reach out. Social interaction is essential to your health as well as a key to managing loneliness
4. Work on your social skills and developing new friendships. You can never have too many friends. Habitually initiate conversation. Become an expert in recognizing and meeting these four needs that everyone wants, including you: attention (a telephone call, use the person’s name when you meet, remember birthdays, etc.) acceptance (regardless of how a person looks), appreciation (thank you notes, sincere compliments), and affection (hug, smile, say I love you).
We all have individual needs but we also have very similar needs. Become an expert at developing many specific behaviors that meet those four needs.
5. Monitor your negative self-talk. How you talk to yourself about who you are and how you feel about yourself can add to loneliness or begin to diminish it. Loneliness is triggered by our own thoughts and attitudes. The power of belief that you can diminish loneliness is enormous. Repeatedly tell yourself you are going to beat it. Make up a personal affirmation and use it to replace negative thoughts.
6. Determine the time when you feel most alone and start rearranging your schedule to fill those hours as much as possible. If weekends are the worst, factor in your schedule things you can do to get out of the house and visiting museums, art galleries, parks, or places where you can learn about a hobby.
7. Beware of some of the beliefs and myths that bring confusion, disappointment and maximize loneliness. Here are a few that have crept into our culture. I must conceal my fear of forever being lonely; there’s something wrong with me to feel this way. I won’t be loved. Nobody would want to be my friend. Others living alone are doing so well. The group fun myth: fun only happens in twos or more. The perfect friendship myth: a good friend agrees with you on everything. Discard this rubbish.
8. Develop solo activities that can be enjoyed each day. There are many things that you can employ as a regular part of daily routines. Do Yoga, Tai Chi, draw, or do art work. Plan a daily stress break using sounds of the sea audio tapes. Read. Play a musical instrument. Send email. And, most important, take a walk. Download music or interviews on an ipod to listen to. Renew each day by being in a natural setting.
9. Begin immediately to generate breakthroughs. Breakthroughs are doing the things your loved one or others did for you, that you should now do for yourself, or things you have never done by yourself before. Here are some that other mourners have done. Fill your own gas tank and take your car for servicing; take a day trip; eat at a restaurant alone; put out the rubbish; plan ahead to deal with bad days; try the “pet connection;” go on an Elderhostel trip; go to a movie by yourself; plan a party for one: yourself.
After you successfully make a breakthrough, celebrate. Tell yourself you are gaining, changing, and are proud of your progress.
Again, in the final analysis, you can change loneliness to solitude and social isolation to essential interaction with others—every day. The moment you awake, you have a choice of the attitude you will take into the day. Seize on the take action attitude to interact, reach out, and heal. It requires effort and wise choices. If you invest yourself in others, loneliness will shrink into the background.
By: Louis LaGrand, Ph.D.
Source: http://www.articledashboard.com
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena), speaks throughout the US, and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His website is www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.
How To Reduce The Stress Of Grieving
Although loss and the resulting grief is a condition of existence, few realize that it takes a devastating physical toll on the mourner. This is born out by the fact that many who are suffering through a divorce or the death of a loved one often come down with a cold or flu symptoms, or end up with severe headaches or stomach upsets.
For over 40 years I have taught that for every thought and emotion we have there is a corresponding physical manifestation of that thought or emotion at the cellular level. In terms of mourning, the constant stressful thoughts of life without the deceased, poor eating habits, and the inability to sleep often result in a compromised immune system and eventually some type of illness.
What can be done to make inroads on and reduce the emotional and physical stress associated with mourning? Here are seven approaches to consider in dealing with your loss or helping someone else you are supporting.
1. Everyone needs physical outlets for emotional stimuli. This is because the anxiety and tension of grieving manifests in muscular tissue. Consequently, as difficult as it may be, it is useful to incorporate some type of exercise into your self-care plan. Take a walk, do Yoga, find some way to increase heart rate. Depression will be minimized, an increase in endorphins will lift your mood, and you will reclaim some of your energy and endurance.
I know you’ve heard all about exercise before, but don’t the mistake of minimizing the vast importance of this medium for stress reduction in the long hall. A 10-minute walk is all it takes, and if you add a friend to it, all the better. We need each other.
2. Be sure to take a rest period every day. You may feel fatigue because of little sleep (which is quite normal) or people trying to keep you company or on the go for most of the day. Insist on being alone for a short period of relaxation. Find a quiet place in your home, elevate your feet, and scan your body for tense areas. When you locate one—visualize exhaling your breath filled with light—through the tense area. Sense the feeling of release. Remember: do this every day.
3. Fake it till you make it. Caroline Myss, the medical intuitive said, “Most people suffer not because of what others have done to them, but because of what they do to themselves.” You always have the power of choice as to what thoughts you will allow to dominate your thinking—and your stress levels. Use the “fake it till you make it” slogan as a reminder that you can periodically act-as-you-wish-to-be and switch the constant painful thoughts to loving thoughts of the deceased and what you learned from knowing him or her. The mental switch will affect physical feelings.
4. On the other hand, don’t make the mistake of running from your pain full time. You will be adding stress to your life. The ups and downs are necessary and natural to grief. You can overdo the advice to keep busy. Grieve and face the pain is better advice. Then try a diversion or take a rest.
5. Try water therapy or a massage. Soaking in a hot tub can bring needed relief to the tension and anxiety of mourning. Or put some scented liquid soap in your bath tub and relax in the warm water. At the very least, allow your shower to provide some release each day. Also, at an appropriate time try a massage. Massage and the power of touch regulate natural chemicals in the body that affect mood. You will feel the energy change.
6. Nutrition helps you manage stress. If you don’t feel like eating, try drinking a liquid meal. Substitute spring water for the offer of another cup of coffee. There are three things that will guarantee more stress in your life—lack of food, water, or love. Once you systematically meet these needs, take the energy you will have saved, and direct it to honoring your deceased loved one.
7. Use your breathing as a first line of defense against stress. Periodically throughout the day bring your attention to your breathing. This can be done virtually anywhere. Deliberately take some deep abdominal breaths and repeat silently “Slow down” or choose any phrase you like that helps you relax.
8. Make a daily “to do” list. List where you will be going, what you are responsible for, and include your rest period and one positive thing you will do just for yourself. Start a project that will be your ongoing work in progress and list it as part of your “to do” list. This could be a collage, scrapbook, diary, or treasure chest devoted to your loved one or something for your children. Structure will help you reduce stress, but don’t become a slave to it. Rearrange it during the day if you feel it is necessary.
9. All of the above have focused on you. This final recommendation is about what you can do for others by taking yourself outside of yourself. Dr. Dean Ornish, the only person who has shown that heart disease can be reversed, says it best: “Love promotes survival. Both nurturing and being nurtured are life affirming. Anything that takes you outside of yourself promotes healing—in profound ways that can be measured—independent of other known factors such as diet and exercise.”
As your grief wears on, take yourself outside of yourself, keep loving and thinking outside the box. This will nourish your spirit, which is just as much in need as your body and mind.
Finally, it takes vigilance and discipline to manage stress levels when mourning. You will need to establish a routine to take care of yourself and practice the needed changes. You can’t do it all at once. Persist and stay committed to your goal. Don’t allow a failure or two to cause you to abandon your stress reduction program. Make it forever a part of your new life.
By: Louis LaGrand, Ph.D.
Source: http://www.articledashboard.com
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena), speaks throughout the US, and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website is www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.
The Top Ten Things To Know About Grief
Grief is an integral part of life and living. Everyone grieves, although not everyone mourns. That is, not everyone goes public with their grief. They have been taught to keep it to themselves because it is much too personal.
Consequently, silent grief tends to perpetuate many myths and falsehoods that already exist. Here are 10 things you should know about grief that will cut through some of the cultural misrepresentations that often cause unnecessary suffering.
1. Grief is the normal human response to the loss of a person, object, or ideal. The emphasis here is on normal. In this day and age there are still many who believe grief is a sign of weakness. In fact, it is a needed process leading to acceptance of what has occurred. If you choose to love, you automatically choose to grieve.
2. Everybody grieves. No one is immune from the grief response. If there is an emotional investment in an object of loss or the person who died, the survivor will grieve. And, there will be a change in that person’s identity because a part of the person has died. Each emotional relationship is different and is based on the individual characteristics of the survivor, the person who died, and the way they interacted.
3. People do not always become depressed or experience guilt or anger when grieving. Although it is common to experience either or all of these emotions, some individuals do not experience any of them. This is do to their belief system, the nature of the relationship with their loved one, and the type of death that took place.
4. We grieve for many things other than the death of a loved one. Grief can occur wherever emotional investment is present. Divorce, incarceration, loss of or moving from a home, loss of a pet, a friend who moves away, or the loss of any significant object are all causes for grief for some.
5. There are as many grieving styles as there are lifestyles. Grieving is highly individual. Thus the lack of crying or other display of emotion is not an indicator of the pain a person may be experiencing. There are many gender differences in grieving. We need to be aware that we are all influenced by our adult grief models early in life and grieve in our own ways.
6. Whenever we grieve a major loss, there are secondary losses that must be recognized and grieved. Secondary or associated losses accompany all major losses. While death brings the loss of the physical presence of the loved one, it can also bring loss of financial stability, a home or apartment, an automobile, dreams of the future with the loved one, or a source of wisdom, companionship, or sexual expression. Each of these losses needs to be recognized and grieved. Some secondary losses occur months or years later.
7. Many people who are grieving have an Extraordinary Experience (EE). Extraordinary Experiences are a variety of spontaneous events that occur in which the bereaved person is convinced he/she has received a sign or a message from the deceased loved one. They range from visitation dreams, visions, or hearing the loved one to sensing the presence, feeling a touch, or experiencing an unusual synchronicity. Do not deny the person the comfort from these events.
8. Grief does revisit. It is not uncommon for grief to resurface months or even years later with much intensity. A very sad memory may be recalled, stimulated by a particular experience not directly connected to the loved one. Or an anniversary, birthday, or graduation may occasion sadness and the return of grief. Again, this is normal and the emotional response should be expected and allowed to play out.
9. Grief is not time bound. After a month or two many people expect the mourner to move on and get over the loss. This is highly unrealistic in most instances. Since grief is a highly individual process, it follows that the length of time to do one’s grief work will vary. For one person it may take months. For another it may take years. If you are grieving do not be rushed in doing the work of grief.
10. Grief is one of love’s natural consequences. When you love, as most people do, grief is inevitable when the object of your love is no longer there. However, love never dies, as we will always have a relationship with the person who died, and that relationship can be nurtured through memorializations, new traditions, and remembrances at family celebrations. And it is perfectly okay to have an imaginal conversation with the person who died.
By: Louis LaGrand, Ph.D.
Article Source: http://www.articledashboard.com
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is
www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.
First Key to Self Mastery: Response-Ability
In the previous article I showed how you can skillfully communicate negative emotions in a way that deepens your relationships, instead of creating havoc as it usually happens. Today I am going to focus on one of three keys to self mastery - owning the responsibility. The trainers at our University all agree - if we were able to change only one thought pattern in the world, it would have to be giving back to everyone full responsibility for their actions, thoughts and emotions. It's that important.
What is responsibility and why is it important? Response-ability is very simply your ability to respond to the world. Whenever you claim responsibility, your claim your power to do, to influence, to act, to change. Whenever you deny responsibility, you deny your power to respond, leaving yourself powerless. For example, if you say: "He made me angry," - you imply that the anger was creating in you by him. If you say: "The leaky faucet irritates me," - you imply that the irritation was created in you by the dripping water. In plain language you are saying that how you feel was caused by someone or something else. These shifts of responsibility away from yourself are perversions of reality (a more technical term is distortion of reality). Another name for shifting responsibility is blaming.
Blaming exists because it is an effective way to manipulate people. The often unconscious logic of blaming goes like this: "I feel bad, you are responsible for making me feel bad, now you are responsible for making me feel good. In any case, you owe me a favor." Clearly spelled out this way it becomes obvious that blaming is just a power game. There is also an additional piece of helplessness to it: "Since you caused my feelings, they are out of my control. I am helpless to change anything and no effort is required from me." So, blaming is a way to preserve status quo and to transfer all responsibility for change to another party. Highly manipulative and effective in the short run. Highly disempowering in the long run.
Seems simple? Then think how many times in the last week have you said to yourself: "This is annoying" or "This is upsetting" or a similar phrase? Denying response-ability every time. Next time try this phrase instead: "I am choosing to feel annoyed" or "I am deciding to feel upset". If someone in your presence says: "She is pissing me off", help them out by asking: "Why are you deciding to feel pissed off?" Be careful with such phrasing though, many people are so stuck in the constant cycles of blaming-helplessness, that they will not even understand what you mean at first.
I would like to start an empowering mental virus of personal responsibility. Here is how it works. First, forward this article to the people you spend most of your time with - friends, family, colleagues. Then, after they have read it, agree with each other to call out the refusal of personal responsibility, whenever you notice it. So, if you hear each other say something that denies responsibility, call it out: "You are choosing to be powerless right now." See how fast you learn to notice and re-claim your response-ability to the world.
You’ve just read TIP #81 FOR CREATING AN EXTRAORDINARY AND MEANINGFUL LIFE brought to you by Holographic University. To get the next Tip visit us at:
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May You Be Happy!
- Arman Darini, Ph.D.
Source: www.easyarticles.com
About the Author: Arman Darini, Ph.D. is the director of Holographic University, the author of weekly Tips for Creating an Extraordinary and Meaningful Life, and a certified international NLP Trainer. As the leader of a dynamic team of Life Trainers and Coaches, Arman's motto is "I don't believe in your limitations". To learn more about Arman, visit ArmanDarini.com
